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Fuck your noise cancelling headphones and Pomodoro timers, your fucking to-do lists, apps, notes, sticky notes, and God knows what else. Robot is kind of like you, because you like to geek out on that shit. Keep laughing about how HBO’s Silicon Valley is realistic instead of asking why. I never had to shift a bit in a C array in my life! Fucking DAU’s, WAU’s, MAU’s, ARPU, LTV, CPM, CPI, CPC, PPC, CPA, CTR, SEO, ASO, Yo Y, Wo W, Fuck over Fuck. And the fucking networking events, my fucking lord.

Shit, you woke up at , meditated for 30 minutes, reviewed your quarterly and yearly “goals” for another 30 minutes, and slurped on a delicious Soylent shake while checking daily retention trends. Who the fuck thinks of these stupid fucking questions?

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Fuck your weird fucking conversations, things like “OMG did you see Snapchat’s new feature?

Fuck you startups with your extravagant parties and crazy off-site events that cost way too much money, you’re supposed to buy some fucking servers instead!

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On one end of the scale you’ve got the pizza-guzzling, office-snack hoarding monster, and on the other end you have the ‘I-must-optimize-every-living-second’ douche that only drinks fucking Soylent. It ain’t gonna mitigate all those fucking doritos you just munched on, so just shut the fuck up and sit in a normal chair like normal people. Especially all those straight-out-of-college-entrepreneurs. I want to get the same version of your site every time I refresh it, stop fucking changing it up on me.

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